The love that never was...

Waiting for that phone to ring up? Or a bunch of friends to walk in eh? You won't get a cake facial ,though you can always try that near by parlour. I know how you have always been grateful to God for blessing you with such a wonderful family and that you are not a bit of a pessimist. But this one day grips you like anything. All those nights spent by planning birthdays, getting everyone in the group to wake up at the right time and being there for a not so well planned surprise; it all comes back to haunt you this one day.

That strong you, the you who knows that there is more suffering and pain, more solitude and misery that you will ever imagine gives up on you on this one day! Why? Because somewhere deep down, you secretly wanted a little surprise waiting for you early in the morning, may be a lunch then or a long drive with that group which has been so special to you all this while. So you are selfish then right? Because you did something to get a reward outta it. Or are you just lonely, waiting for a call or a text, spending half the day in innocent expectation? You don't have to regret it, you know. It was just the love which never existed.

Pamper Purples

I have this friend of mine, my closest aide, my savior, my only friend (not exaggerating) and in all the person whom I only ring up after 12:00 am. A few days back we were talking and I sensed the much prevalent gloom in his voice which was meant to be sensed as a matter of fact and soon he fed me up with stories of his misery and how everything was going wrong in his life and how miserably miserable he felt. Looking at the sensitivity of the moment (what? he was sad ) I did not waste a minute and as soon as he paused for breath I began blowing my own cry-baby trumpet that how life has been unfair and with what audacity I have dealt with the dark but am a human and emo-breakdown happens at some point and blaaaaaaA! I had the intention to alleviate his pain by feeding him with my own brave stories of tough times but there was something which struck upon in this whole episode of soothing my friend. 

Anyway! Coming back. Soon the sadomasochist in us rose, and we got busy in the painfully cheerful task of mollifying each other. How content does it make us talking grief, I noticed. We always want to be unknowingly in the constant company of people who would inflict sorrow into our lives if they are equally ready to go down with our tales of turmoil. Isn't it? But what possible reason could draw us to such dispirited attitude especially when it does no good in getting out of the problem. Mere observation has led me to a few conclusions based upon my understanding and there may be flaws but I will still share.

Those who don't put a comforting arm around, we don't see them no less than enemies planning clandestinely against us. As friends, we want each other to talk, listen and understand. Pamper buddies on the other hand 

don't get to a solution, they just discuss the same thing over and over again and can't help feeling hapless.

People who back you up in remembering your primary source of suffering don't want you to move on. A true friend on the other hand will always stay by your side and ask you even chide you sometimes for your own good to see the brighter side. And the beauty of this deliberately called upon episode of feeling bad about yourself is that the other person's opinion matter only when it is in accord with our own interpretation of the situation which of course is am-the-troubled-one. Until and unless we give our real friends the space and comfort to walk up to us and point out our flaws, we would never know our own stake in causing a trouble.


The best part with pampering is, once you start, the rest action occurs naturally with pure devotion. Our brain signals us to feel better when it hears what it wants to hear. Happy it becomes when this happens. Sad it remains if not. But the whole sugar coated affair is not gonna take you anywhere and you know that very well. Problems are a part of everybody's life and deep down we all know there are people suffering more than us. Pour out your emotions and take a chill pill. All is gonna be well.

A Walk To Remember

Every evening when the clock strikes 8:30, I get into my sports shoes , pick my phone and start the Pedometer app to monitor the number of steps, calories burnt and other measurable parameters to have a sense of 'oh!am getting close to a fitter being'. It is a daily ritual for me to go out at this hour, after watching my favorite (since so long :p) daily soap 'Balika Vadhu' for an hour long walk or as long as my feet permit me to. But that day a quick turn of events led me on the street almost an hour earlier. I was walking towards my friend's house to call her, who stays just a lane away.

Just a four houses away a person riding his bicycle passed and I could not ignore to look in his direction, and I instantly realized I was having a deja vu, not by the mere sight of him, but his actions as well. He was pointing his private organ sitting on his cycle. The thought itself is disgusting and to write it down requires a certain strength to keep aside the sight of it. Though there were no street lights, and that is the very reason I did not recognize the person and his very sick-minded act, I knew what was happening and I had been a victim of it earlier also. A sudden rush of anger passed over the coldness in my body, the numbness of undeniable horror in the moment accompanied with rage to throw him down and kick his ass off was persistent. Getting back to my senses quickly I shouted and commanded him to stop, ran after him for a certain distance but to no avail, he fled away.

The whole unpleasant incident made me ponder upon the mentality of the person, and I felt ill for him more than sad for myself. The sense of victimization started losing as detail after detail came to my mind. The person was a young kid not more than fifteen years of age am pretty sure. Yes! At this tender age he indulged in a horrific act, horrific in terms of how hampered and damaged his though process would be. It makes me really upset to even think about his future, future of the people in his life, his parents, the women he will come across, may be his sister, friends , wife, be it anyone, he will try and impose his trash thinking on to them through his vulgar actions. Such people are not only a curse to the society, but more to their close one's as they are more vulnerable than others.

The only regret I have is that I could not catch him. I could not make him come to terms with the fact that what he did was egregious, that he should be punished severely. I could not teach him a lesson and he will once again make another girl his target. A lot of small , little girls play in our colony and they may not be as strong and mature as I was at the moment for obvious reasons. It can have a long lasting and dreadful impact on children. I am angry at myself for not being able to take this culprit to his parents and tell them what kind of a person your boy is becoming into.I hope I will encounter him some other time and vow to bring him to justice, more of a personal endeavor rather than public.

Still I believe there is space for positive vibes in spite of all the filth. One need not fear and stop going out, I after a brief pause continued walking the same day on the very same lane. It is not an act of over confidence or unmeasured bravery but yes, it was necessary to begin then and there and not let any kind of fear creep in. Why should I hide in my own built cache of insecurity?

Stay Safe. Stay Fearless. 

You can't please everyone! don't need to!

FRIENDSHIP, by and large is a very wide term , a beautiful one indeed. Friends are considered one of the most valuable gifts conferred to us humans by the almighty. All of us at some point of time in our lives need someone else than our family to be there for us. But why does an outsider's presence count much more than the support of your own family sometimes?

The simple answer to this question is that this is a bond which we do not inherit , but create when we incept our life. As infants and little toddlers friends meant kids of our own age and size who will play with us in biting heat of Sun. But as one grows up and sees the world with a more matured outlook , they are a part of your little world. To every pretty story has a darker side. Some believe , they don't have any true friends or worst , no friends at all.

There is no denying that a positive mind and thought process lets a positive energy flow in your life and leads to sheer happiness. Though , you are not being negative if you think other way round at times. What is important is to not dwell upon the low and dull phase for too long. Learn your lesson , feel the pain and move on. I continually vacillate a number of times over the fact that am I lucky enough or not to have at least one or two people in my life who will never leave me alone? The reason this question bugs my mind is the happenings in my recent world. The answer , though I feel is futile but the feeling of the whole endeavor (yes an endeavor it was to me ) is what I'd like to share.

Keeping myself here in a position of the hero of this short story I'd ask my reader to believe that part from a few mistakes I had been the goody girl all the time :D ( though I really am but you won't agree :p ) I am not a very friendly person . Friendly in a way that not everyone can be close to me. Such close relations , I believe are formed over a span of time and nurture as you spend more time together. But once I let you close , I won't let you go easily :) So , I have had these 4 - 5 super awesome friends in college , bunks , studies , movies and everything we did together. A time came which split us apart , then we got up together but not as warmly as earlier. I gave in my 100% to get us back but to no avail. So , the whole thing taught me that tough times tell you who were actually your friends, who all will always be at your side , who really cared throughout.

The lesson learnt is simple. they would not come back because in the very first place they were really not there. Put in your heart and soul to bring back the happy times , keep on thinking what wrong you are doing but all useless. don't victimize yourself because it went wrong , be rather pleased and appeased as you strongly stood for your friendship when your so called friends could not.

I am lucky enough to find one such friend at the end but no regrets for the others left behind. One should always be thankful to God for what you have instead of crying over what you don't. 

Help to those who Help themselves!

There is this famous hindi saying, 'Bhagwan bhi unhi ki mada karte hai jo khud ki madad karein' ( God shall help those who help themseleves) .Fair enough. You cannot expect the almighty (I do believe in God) to shower his blessings on you just because you think you deserve or are in a need of it or you feel you need a 'push' by some supernatural power and then once on the right track you'll pick up the pace. Why should U be the chosen one and not one of those hundreds and thousands of people who are actually suffering but coping up with the miseries of life with a hope hole in their sinking heart that one day everything will be fine.

On the other hand there are people who keep on whinning about what went wrong and how everyhting is bound to go wrong and how the whole universe is conspiring to make the right thing go wrong for them. I am not into writing as to make someone understand anything or tell others what's the right thing to do. I am writing this for my own sake because since a few months I have been feeling the same, many a times intensely,rest may be vaguely but the emotion has been persistent. Lately, my friends (I have two three close ones) have been hinting at the fact that what person I am truning into. From the one who used to crack the worst of the jokes and still managed to heartily laugh to one who won't even smile at the sweetest of the gestures now. From a person who used to be friends with everyone to the isolated, lone dark story girl. May be that's their interpretation of what am becoming which is quite extreme and hopefully am still a positive person (Yes I am). But I can't deny the fact that last one year has been a topsy turvy one and at times I have brave and strong and also their have been moments of utter weakness which reflected in my behaviour towards them.

The purpose to share my personal experience on this public platform,at a time when I cannot claim am outta it is a sudden urge to express myself, a strong desire to feel light on the inside and which I figured out could be done if I talk about it.

There are a few learnings and mistakes which I want to specifically mention. If you ever went through a low phase you'd know how pissed off you feel all the time, friends trying to support or talk get on your nerves and you end up hurting them each time they try to help. Don't! Don't do that. Accepting that you are facing a bad time is the first step in getting out of it. Once this realisation dawns upon you, allow your close ones to talk to you. Ample of times only talking to a friend has got me out of never seeming to end darkness. Isn't it quite reasonable to come to terms to the fact that people you call your best friends will be there for you in your hard times and won't make a move to hurt rather than heal you? Keep your Common Sense Alive.

Do all that what you like. It is easier said than done but you can always give a try. I like doing a lot of things and like doing all of them very passionately. Dancing, playing with dogs, writing, reading, surfing the internet and reading more new, crazy stuff. I could not do just one thing rather I diversified and did all of them a bit, not particularly following a schedule for that but went with the flow. If it's a rainy day grab a cup of coffee to perfectly couple it with a book. Feel like slapping someone? Put on your shoes and dance to the tunes of wild music. Need someone to talk to? Dogs are the best! Trust me they are. Isn't it awesome to have someone who'll listen to you without complaining?

Last but not the least and I guess the most important learning. We suffer more in our imagination than in reality. Pondering on things excessively even though thy are of significance will pull you down into depths of despair and make you oblivion. And this is the worst you could do to yourself. No one thinks about you as much as you think they do. No. They don't. People have their own life to live, their own worries to take care of. So stop being sentimental all the time and stop being a sufferer.

PS : This am writing especially for a friend who thinks I have become hopeless and won't give a try at life. But I want to soooo tell you that am not giving up. Not now. I may not be very enthusiastic about the happenings as I used to be or as I should be but am hopeful in my own secret sense. So dont' be angry and keep faith. I'll get myself somewhere. :)

The Illusionary Cage

A little bird came and sat by my window and the grills seemed  to have caged it. But only if one would see it really sitting there, they could tell that she was resting, waiting for the rain to stop and was on the outer side of the window. A matter of difference in the way we look at things counts a lot. Isn't it? This beautiful, yet ignored scene reminded me of this very fact.

It is truly said that we suffer more in our imagination than we do in reality. We humans have locked ourselves up in our own-built cages of depression, regret and gloominess and the consequences have been disastrous.If only one puts a step out and accepts the greys of life with open arms can they move toward light. With your family and a few friends close by, one does not need to rely on others. But you must allow your dear ones to help rather than being tied to your thoughts.

This may not be easy as you are already feeling tired, defeated, broken. But the show must go on. 'Quitting' is just not an option. Live, Laugh, Live. For those who wish your success and happiness. Don't cry after the ones who left you, but take the hand of those who'll take you ahead with them. The world is not fair, but there are good people as well. It does not matter how many times you have failed in love. Don't fall in love, but rise. Again and again and again. Till the time you find your soulmate. Betrayed by a few friends? Keep your loyalties to everyone, someone will respect it.

What is important is to realise that the circle of sad and gay times keeps on going but amidst this, you cannot afford to stay in solitude. BREAK THE CAGE, FLY FREE.